RELAX - NOTHING IS UNDER CONTROL

One of the biggest stumbling blocks I see with my clients is the attempt to control what cannot be controlled - and the distress caused by not being able to.

It's natural - your survival instinct wants to protect you from pain and discomfort, so you try to control things, so that you can feel more comfortable.

For example - you try to second-guess how others might react to you, and then you change your behaviour accordingly, to minimise blowback.

Perhaps you try to manage other people's emotions and behaviours. You make how they're feeling your problem to solve.

Or maybe you want them to behave a certain way (turn up on time, clean up after themselves, understand how you feel) - and you tie yourself in frustrated knots when they don't. 

This causes so much anxiety - anxiety is a symptom of being not being able to control what's happening.

When other people's behaviours are acutely uncomfortable for you, what can you actually do? Anything?

This topic always brings me back to the Serenity Prayer:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I quote this often to my clients - it tells us that we have a choice. That is the only thing over which we have any control - our choices.

The point is, other people are going to piss you off sometimes. They'll trigger you or let you down, by breaking your rules (your rules - not necessarily theirs).

What are you going to do? This is life. You cannot control them.

So, you have a choice - are you going to turn yourself inside out, trying to make them change their behaviour so that you can feel better? 

Or - are you going to accept that how you feel is on you - and then do whatever you need to do to feel better?

The first choice gives someone else the power to decide how you feel. No thank you.

The second choice means - no matter what - that you're responsible for how you feel. 

This is a tough one for most of us - because where is the justice in that? They did that awful thing, and they made you feel this way - right?

Well, kinda. But this isn't really about justice. This is about taking control of the one thing that you get to decide - how you feel.

And accepting - deeply and truly accepting - that some things are out of your hands.

Pain is inevitable - suffering is a choice.

Once you've decided to be in charge of your life (because you are in charge of it), then you can make all sorts of self-nurturing choices.

You can choose to rise above. You can choose to fight your corner.

You can choose to re-draw boundaries - to leave toxic situations behind you and move forward. You can choose to forgive. You can choose to accept someone exactly as they are. 

You can choose to have a long bath. Go for a walk. Write out all your angry thoughts, guilt-free - then burn them.

You can choose. Doesn't it feel better to know that?

Big love,

P.S. Want to take back control of how you feel? Check out THIS MEDITATION and get yourself back in the driving seat.

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