THE POWER OF CURIOSITY - How to Stop Judging and Start Changing

"Today I will judge nothing that occurs" is a daily affirmation from A Course In Miracles. It encourages us to release the habit of judgement, and find peace of mind and acceptance.

Oooh, it's a tricky one, that! We humans are judgy little things, and it's a hard habit to break.

What that means is that we tend to judge everything - events, ourselves, and others. And if we get stuck in that habit, we end up judging ourselves just as harshly - if not more so - than others.

Much of this is driven by simple self-preservation. We are hard-wired to judge what we witness and experience in life, in order to keep us safe from unknown outcomes.

And because this is survival-driven, most of that judgement is negative by default. I might judge the weather, for example, because I could be liable to illness or injury.

That's not usually a conscious thought, of course. I'm just British and like to complain about the weather, good or bad! 

But in my unconscious mind, several calculations have happened in a split second:

• Will I get into an accident on the road if the rain is heavy?

• The traffic will be horrendous.

• Other people will be driving like maniacs; it'll be more dangerous.

• If it's hot and sunny - will I get sunburned?

• Will I get dehydrated? 

• Will I be too hot, too cold, uncomfortable or wet?

All of these negative scenarios flash through my mind in an instant, and they're all informed by my previous negative experiences with the weather.

My mind has learned that there are potential negative consequences to 'good' or 'bad' weather, and it has stored that information in my subconscious mind.

I don't consciously think about it - I just look out the window and think 'Ugh' or 'Yay!', depending on what I see.

I judge.

Now obviously not all judgement is alike, and not all of it is bad. Much of it is a common-sense assessment of what's needed in any given situation.

But this is just about the weather. What about the unconscious snap judgements we make about others - and about ourselves?

When someone behaves differently from the way we would, we may be quick to judge. They're too loud, they vote 'wrongly', they believe something totally offensive, they are bad drivers, bad friends, selfish arseholes.

Judgy-Wudgy.

We don't treat ourselves any better. We're stupid, fat, lazy, undisciplined, weak-willed, incapable, too loud, too quiet, too short, not good enough.

I've even had clients judge themselves for judging themselves. There's no let-up, seemingly. 

All of this judgement is based on our previous negative experiences with others, and within our own minds. And all of that learning has been stored as beliefs

Ironically, these are just accepted, whether they're helpful or not - they don't get judged!

This type of judgement hurts us, and hurts others.

It stops you from having happy relationships. It makes you bear grudges, which keeps you isolated and enraged. It makes you doubt, second-guess and criticise yourself - which makes you miserable.

So what's the alternative? How can we stop judging and start changing?

First comes awareness - your judgements are hurting you and keeping you apart from other people. It's time for a change.

Next is the willingness to change. That's a big hurdle. You have to come to this willingness without judging yourself for having been judgemental in the first place. 

How do you do that? By saying: "There's something I don't yet know about this. I'm going to wait, without deciding anything, and see what happens."

Then - try curiosity. Human curiosity is SO powerful in allowing us to shift perspectives and ditch unhelpful fixed beliefs.

Some helpful curious questions:

• Why do I feel this way - what's going on here? (Dig a bit deeper).

• What does this remind me of - when's the first time I felt like this? (Were you young and inexperienced in life?)

• Is this really true? (Can it be proved without any doubt?)

• What if something else entirely is happening? (Engage imagination)

• What if this is the best thing that could possibly happen? (Visualise positive outcomes)

Curiosity ('what if') is an automatic mind-opener. It softens fixed beliefs, and forces you to suspend judgement.

It asks you to imagine a different possibility - a more positive, helpful one.

And finally, if it turns out that the thing you judged as bad is actually pretty bad, then it's time to employ our old friend - acceptance.

Acceptance is freedom - especially when you choose to accept the 'unacceptable':

• Yes, that relationship is really over. Ok, what now?

• OK, I lost my money. Now I'll make a plan to get it back.

• Right, I've let some things go that were important to me. That's on me. Shit happens. Today I'll reconnect with at least one of them.

Can you see how much possibility is opened up when judgement is suspended, and curiosity and acceptance take its place?

It's the mindset of compassion, and it's a great way to get things done with less angst and more ease.

What do you think? Reckon you could try it for one day? One hour?

Tell you what - don't decide - ask yourself: "What if I could?"

I believe in you!

Big love,

Sophie x

P.S. Another lovely thing you could do is talk to someone who won't judge you. Fancy it? Book a free 30-min discovery session, and see what it's like to not be judged for a change!

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