THE IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUILT AND SHAME

I am not a domestic goddess. The opposite, in fact - I'm more of a domestic goblin.

So today, when I was emptying my bin, and found actual fruit fly maggots in it (I'm sorry, and holy shit and EUGH), I was covered in shame.

I scrubbed and bleached that bad boy till it gleamed, and hoped that no one would ever find out I was so dirty.

And yet here I am, mere hours later, confessing all and telling you all about it. Why?

Because I no longer give room to shame.

I'm not saying I no longer feel it - I feel all sorts of emotions in the course of a day - but I no longer give it energy or space. I don't nurture it or invite it to stay.

I know I'm always telling you that all emotions are healthy - well, shame may be the exception.

You'll have heard people talk about 'healthy' emotions - even some of the emotions we traditionally think of as 'negative' can be embraced as healthy.

For example:

• A bit of healthy anger can motivate you to stand up for yourself, or fight injustice.

• A bit of healthy fear will (hopefully) stop you texting while driving.

• A bit of healthy mistrust will stop you from getting in a stranger's car.

And so on.

But have you ever heard of healthy shame? Have you ever experienced it?

You may have felt guilt - and guilt can be useful, too. A bit of healthy guilt helps you take responsibility for your mistakes, apologise and make amends.

You may have felt restraint - which stops you from walking down the high street naked.

But shame is something else - shame is disabling.

Guilt says, "I did something bad." Shame says, "I am bad." That's the critical difference between guilt and shame.

Notice what I said earlier - that I "hoped no one would ever find out I was so dirty." Not my bin, but me.

That's shame, and it's toxic. 

Shame, given a chance, leads to self-loathing, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety and second-guessing yourself.

It's demotivating at best, and totally disabling at worst.

It's an incredibly inefficient and ineffective motivational tool. In short, a really shit way to get things done.

You cannot shame someone into loving you, or going vegan, or giving up smoking, or helping around the house. It just doesn't work.

And more importantly, it's cruel and unnecessary.

So, of all the emotions and all the aspects of you that I encourage you to embrace - shame is not one.

And the antidote? Compassion. Acceptance. Love. You have done, and are doing, your best. That's all.

Can you let yourself off the hook?

If you're regularly feeling shame, I urge you to please check out Journey to Self-Love.

The process of healing and releasing shame and embracing love and self-compassion takes a bit of time, guidance and support - here's where you'll find it.

Big love,

P.S. If you need help releasing any emotion, 'healthy' or 'unhealthy', 'positive' or 'negative', then check out Release Negative Emotions for gentle, healing help.

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