WHO'S IN CHARGE?

A bit of a long one for you today my love, so stick with me.

Have you ever wondered why you react so strongly to certain situations and not to others?

• Why does a particular advert make you burst into tears?

• Why does your partner's shouting at the football immediately make you feel frightened, defensive, or oddly aggressive?

• Why does someone not replying to your text make you want to cut all contact with them?

Rationally, you know that the advert isn't about you - in fact, none of it is about you, and you know this - so why the strong emotional response?

Who's in charge of you in those moments? Who creates those reactions?

The obvious answer is you, of course. But to be more specific, which part of you is in charge? And why?

Each of us is made up of hundreds - perhaps thousands - of distinct parts, and they all have different 'personalities'. These parts have been created over a lifetime of experiences, both positive and negative.

There's the Dutiful Son/Daughter part. This was created when you first received praise for being 'good'; it felt wonderful to be praised, and Hey Presto! A part was born.

Then there's the Wise Friend part, who loves to hear your friends' problems and dispense comfort and wisdom - or the Hyper-Independent 'I can do it all' part, who's been let down too many times.

There's probably the Rebel part that hates to be told what to do - and, paradoxically, there's also the rule-following Teacher's Pet part, who loves to do what they're told.

There are too many to name - and they all co-exist within you - not always peacefully!

At any given moment, one of these parts is dominant, and that part is creating our responses.

So, for example, when you pick up someone else's litter on the street or open a door for someone, your Good Samaritan part is in charge (mostly).

But - when that someone doesn't thank you, and you sarcastically bark "You're welcome!", an entirely different part has taken over - a far less generous part.

You are a jumble of these parts, and you can switch from part to part in a heartbeat - it can be pretty confusing!

When you're emotionally aroused or 'triggered', a younger part of you usually gets activated. It's a child part of you - the part that felt for the first time what you're feeling again now.

And the thing is, even though you're a fully-grown adult now, with reasoning and experience, back then you weren't - so those hurts felt huge.

When you were rejected by your friends, for example, it felt life-altering - maybe even life-threatening. When your dad shouted at you, it felt like the most frightening thing in the world. 

If they're strong enough, those feelings remain in your subconscious mind as a 'part'. They also stick around in your body, as muscle memory, and perhaps in your energy field, as a 'blockage'.

So now, if you feel rejected, or if someone shouts at you, that child part of you will be reactivated - your subconscious mind, your body, and your energy remembers, and you react.

Now, if you've spent a lifetime ignoring those child parts, or telling them to grow up and stop being ridiculous, then you might find yourself caught out more often than you'd like.

You might find yourself having weirdly strong reactions to seemingly small events. Or getting overly upset over things that aren't even happening to you, but to someone else.

You might berate yourself for these 'inappropriate' reactions - see if that helps!

Or you might try and ignore them altogether - but they'll suddenly burst out when you least want them to, and make you say something awful, or cry, when you want to be strong.

But - if you've looked at these parts by working with a coach or therapist, or engaging in some other kind of therapeutic self-work, then hopefully an older, wiser part of you takes charge, and you can respond calmly.

This is sometimes called 'Shadow' work - looking at the parts of yourself that you'd rather remain in the shadows, where no one (including you) can see them.

With a therapist, you can learn to love and accept all your parts, including the less desirable ones. You can even create 'teams' of parts that work together more harmoniously, allowing you to navigate difficult situations more easily. 

You can become the master of your emotions, rather than feeling that they control you. 

And this results in a calmer, more peaceful life, and a feeling of deep self-acceptance, respect and love. Not bad, eh?

So, if you've made it this far - what do you think? Can you identify which part was in charge of your last big emotional reaction? 

Could you give it a name, an identity? An appearance? 

How old is that part, do you think?

And most importantly, can you give it love and respect? Can you give it what it needs, instead of telling it off or ignoring it?

I know you're up to the challenge. And if you need some help, please get in touch.

Big love,

P.S. I will be taking on new clients after the summer - I know that seems a long way off, but spaces will be limited, so please book your free discovery session now, to avoid disappointment!

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