HOW TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY WITHOUT TAKING THE BLAME

Last week, we talked about the difference between guilt and shame (you can read that post HERE). Guilt can be useful; shame is not.

This week, I want to talk about the difference between blame and responsibility. Is it possible to take responsibility - without taking the blame?

Many clients are reluctant to talk about the people who've upset them in the past.

They don't want to blame anyone else for their issues, so they shy away from talking about the criticism they received from their parents or siblings (who they love), or the teacher who mocked them, or their withholding partner.

But know this - it's possible to identify the origin and cause of your issues, without making the other person involved a villain.

It's just information.

If you were told as a child that you would never amount to anything, then the responsibility for that statement lies with the person who said it.

And there will be all sorts of reasons why they said those things, of which you (and they) may not be aware. And you recognise this - so, blame isn't useful here.

The way you respond as an adult, and what you make of your life, the responsibility for that lies with you.

Blame is not a feature. You don't want to (or need to) blame that person for the condition of your life - but you do recognise that they had a damaging impact.

See the difference? Blame disables you - if it's someone else's fault, what can you do? Nothing. You're stuck feeling awful.

But if it's their responsibility for that, and your responsibility for this, then you can do something.

Equally - blaming yourself for the inevitable mistakes you've made in life is just as unhelpful - toxic, even. Blame implies fault, which creates shame - and you know how that goes.

Taking responsibility for them, however - that is useful. That moves you forward.

Lastly, some clients feel totally unable to forgive the awful treatment they've received at the hands of someone else. Their sense of blame stops them from moving forward in life.

Well, my earlier statement remains true - the responsibility for that awful treatment lies with that person, not you. They chose to do those things, not you.

The shame, the blame, none of that belongs to you, and you can put it down. However, how you respond to it now, as an adult, that is up to you. That responsibility is yours.

You don't need to blame them for the circumstances of your life, but you do recognise that their treatment has had a damaging impact on you. 

You can acknowledge that damage and pain, without giving them power over your life going forward.

This is not to diminish the experience of receiving abuse or ill-treatment, nor the complex process of healing from that experience.

However, this is how you take back power and agency over your own life and your own choices, rather than handing it over to someone else.

Just like with guilt and shame - one is disabling, one opens up possibilities. 

Blame keeps you stuck, but with responsibility, you can do something.

Responsibility has forward momentum. It invites action - even if that action is simply acknowledging that you were hurt, and that you care about your pain.

There is a whole world of wonderful possibilities waiting for you, as soon as you get back in the driving seat of your life.

Big love,

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